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This is crazy…
A news story is making rounds today. It reminded me of most common relationships today.
A man stopped showing up for his government job…and still collected a monthly paycheck.
The kicker? He’s been collecting the paycheck for over SIX YEARS.
Part of me thinks this dude is a genius…the other part of me cringes at someone being this far out of integrity.
To make matters crazier?
The government didn’t discover the fraud until they went to award him for 20 years of service. (And couldn’t find him to give the award).
Hilarious.
This guy must have decided he could stop showing up, providing value or making a difference. Hiring agreement be damned.
The government can only go after 1 year of salary in damages…so this guy got 5 years (or more) of free money.
So cool story…but what’s this have to do with anything? (Besides being a crazy demonstration about the ineptness of government…)
Glad you asked.
I immediately thought of how many “lovers” are doing the exact same thing to the person they love.
Lovers get committed to each other. Promise each other the world.
Then life happens. Kids. House. Jobs.
And eventually…
They stop showing up in the relationship. Stop providing value. Stop making a difference or caring.
But still expect the “benefits” of being together.
And as the years pass…everything turns to shit.
There are two fundamental issues that cause this downward spiral…
1. Lover’s don’t source their own love.
Here is what I mean…it’s right after valentines day. (Also known as national co-dependency day).
V-day is the national holiday where everyone celebrates people relying on their “lover’s” actions, thoughts and words to keep them from feeling negative emotions.
(Hey – I know Valentine’s day isn’t all bad…but I’m making a point).
Unfortunately, no one can win this game. When your feelings are dependent on someone else – you will eventually be disappointed and let down.
The pressure on your love will be too great. And instead of taking responsibility, you’ll start blaming and stop contributing to the relationship.
But most relationships are setup to fail. There is the expectation that the other person fulfills something that is missing in you. That your lover “completes” you.
You can only complete you. You can only give love to the degree that you source it for yourself.
And until you start sourcing your love, you’ll have a much harder time creating an epic relationship.
2. Lovers start bargaining.
When people rely on others to source their feelings, they get disappointed and go into blame.
From there – they start playing a “fair” game. Counting and bargaining. Playing politics with their “love” for each other.
This game includes the game of compromise. It includes withholding or hiding.
And in short…
Is all about answering this question. How much can I GET from this relationship giving up as little as possible in exchange?
Inner dialogues like…
I helped with the “chores” – I better get some sex tonight.
We had sex – he should listen and pay more attention to me.
We watched that shitty movie Deadpool on valentines day…we better watch my kind of movie this week…
She didn’t think about me here, so I’ll do this. She doesn’t have to know.
Yadda yadda yadda.
And soon?
You have two “lovers” collecting their relationship paycheck, while they aren’t even showing up for the relationship.
(And then they wonder why they can’t “make the relationship” work.)
Love isn’t an exchange.
It isn’t placing your own feelings about yourself in the hands of someone else.
Source your love fully. Place your happiness in your hands. Take responsibility for it.
Don’t place your happiness in the hands of your partner.
When you do, you’ll be disappointed. And you’ll both start cashing checks on love without making any deposits of value.
Which results in a bankrupt relationship.
– Jonathan Heston
If you’re ready to transform your love life into the stuff of your dreams…click here.
