I am the father of three daughters.
I love them fiercely, and I have found that my relationships with them have been a tremendous source of healing and growth in my life.
As they got older, I discovered that had stories in my mind about sex. I had fear about them being sexually active.
I also had fear about them going with “stupid” boys.
The fact is that I had fear about all kinds of things, and ultimately, I chose to simply face into each one of those fears, proactively.
I asked myself, What can I do to come to terms with any and all possibilities so that I don’t need to resist anything? How can I be at peace with all of it and just show up from a space of love rather than from a space of control, changing, or manipulation?
Once I adopted the mindset that everything is perfect and came to terms with the fact that they may be sexually active, as they get older…
…once I came to terms with the fact that they may attract boys who are unavailable, and that they might do a lot of the things that I was afraid of, an amazing thing happened in my heart.
I became okay with all the people I had previously held judgments about.
Parenting my daughters gave me that.
My Upbringing Was Not Centered On Conscious Parenting Or Ways Of Being
My original upbringing had programmed a lot of racism into my original thought patterns. In turn, part of my process was to embrace the fact that my daughters might marry interracially.
Part of my healing process was to come to terms with all of that.
Over time and with work, I was able to let go of any thought patterns that didn’t serve me or that would hinder my ability to love and to connect with them.
In the communities of my origin, I watched a lot of people disown children and other family members due to their judgments, stories, and limiting paradigms/beliefs.
Many of the people in the communities where I was born and raised had ineffective social agreements, but I did not want that to be the story of my life, going forward.
As A Result Of My Choices, I Am Very Close To My Daughters
My daughters feel safe to talk to me about anything and everything. They come to me about the deep, dark, scary stuff that they don’t want to talk to anyone else about.
Understand that a critical piece of that is just being a listening, loving ear that allows them to fully feel all of their feelings.
I don’t rush in with advice.
They are safe to feel, and to express; I simply meet them where they are while remaining sensitive, caring, kind, and present as their father.
I am very interested in who my daughters ARE. I want to know what they want to express in the world, and they get to be viewed as whole and complete, versus needing to be fixed.
I’m very honest with my daughters and speak openly with them about “touchy” issues. I educate them, showing them the good sides AND the downsides to whatever it is that they are considering.
Instead of pressuring them not to date “crappy” boys, I simply talk transparently about my own feelings.
A Typical Conversation Might Go Like This…
Me: I notice that I am feeling scared that you are attracted to boys who might not be available.
Daughter: (response)
Me: I just want you to know that I think you’re amazing and that I believe you deserve the very best.
Daughter: (response)
Me: I’m glad to support you in any way possible. Let’s talk, more. Tell me more about your experience.
Daughter: (response)
Me: I hear what you’re feeling, and I sure do love you. I want you to know that I support you in whatever you choose, and I would love to see you with a guy who can be present with you, loving, kind, and supportive, rather than disconnected and unavailable.
In these types of conversations, they get to be loved unconditionally, and I get to face anything that might want healing and love inside of myself.
What I have learned after interacting this way, time and time again, is that I am now programmed to take full responsibility for my own feelings and behavior.
If I ever feel that I am beginning to drift, I have the tools to quickly shift back into a more productive way of communicating and relating to them.
This week, I have focused on the way that conscious parenting looks for me, and I hope that it’s been useful to you.
I have an entire (private) group of people who are all working to exist in the world, consciously and love themselves and others, unconditionally. If you’d like to join us, you can do so by simply clicking right here.
